More advice to the 60 and over group
My previous column providing advice to the 60 and over group struck a
responsive chord with an audience that has been heretofore largely neglected.
I have been whelmed with additional letters from folks who need help with
important problems.
Here are the most recent inquiries.
Dear Old Advice Person—I have recently retired and moved to a nice
condo in Zephyrhills, Florida, a pleasant town of 5,000 people in the
summer and about 100,000 in the winter. Before I moved here I was accustomed
to eating my evening meal around 6:30 PM but have found that Florida retirees
tend to eat much earlier than that. In fact, they start lining up at restaurants
at about 3:00 PM. I sleep late and have breakfast about 11:00 AM. I eat
a bite of lunch at 1:00 PM. Do you think my system will be adversely affected
if I have supper at 3:00 PM? That would mean that my 3 meals a day would
fall within a 4 hour time period. —Not Hungry in Florida
Dear Not Hungry
I would recommend that you starting eating very slowly at 11:00 AM and
just graze until around 3:00 or 3:30 PM and then stop for the day. You’re
retired. What else have you got to do?
Dear Old Advice Person—I am 83 years old and have a lovely young
wife who is 35. She is intelligent, attractive, loving (on a daily basis),
and meets my every need. My only problem is she loves to shop. I mean
seriously shop. The kind of shopping where she really buys stuff. Since
I’m retired and on a fixed income I can’t afford to pay for
what she buys. This is not a problem for Jennifer because she inherited
more than 15 million dollars from her grandfather. Do you think it makes
me look like a piker because I can’t afford to pay Jennifer’s
shopping bills? —Perplexed in Palatka
Dear Perplexed
At your age I wouldn’t worry about what people think. In fact, I’m
sure you recognize that at your age, time (from a statistical standpoint)
is very limited. However, if you will send me Jennifer’s phone number,
dress size, and favorite color, I will be happy to talk to her about her
spending habits.
Dear Old Advice Person—My husband is 76 years old and is a health
nut. He works out three days a week at the gym and runs 5 miles three
times a week. That is not a problem because it gets him out of the house,
which is a blessing. The problem is he also eats a very high fiber, natural
food diet that causes him to produce an incredible amount of gas. In this
regard he is both noisy and olfactorally offensive. What can I do? —Gassed
in Bastrop
Dear Gassed
Your problem is a serious one but far more common than you might think.
It is so common that next week’s column will be devoted entirely
to that subject. In the mean time you might try to capture the gas, which
is usually about 80% methane, and is flammable. When placed in a small
methane-burning lamp, it produces a warm romantic light, not unlike a
candle. Use this lamp to create a romantic mood in your bedroom—perhaps
he will be distracted and forget to flatulate. I’m not sure how
to capture the gas but you might try a large plastic bag.
Dear Old Advice Person—My husband, the old fool, has become the
world’s most helpful person. The trouble is he helps only one person—the
good-looking young widow who just moved in next door. She wears really
short shorts and sunbathes in the tiniest little bikini you have ever
seen. He, the old fool, goes over to her house every day to see if he
can be “of assistance.” The other day he was going out to
get in the car when she was in her front yard bending over in a really
short dress. While he was watching her, he opened the car door, got in,
shut the door, only to find he had gotten into the back seat, the old
fool. What should I do? –The Old Fool’s wife
Dear Old
He seems pretty harmless to me. Just be thankful he doesn’t have
gas.
Dear Old Advice Person—My wife snores. She seriously snores. She
makes sounds like ZZSNREKSS and AHHAHHDRT snort, snort, snort, and some
others that I don’t even know how to spell. In addition she makes
loud moaning sounds like AHHHHHmmmmmm. I have tried to talk to her about
this problem and just laughs and denies she does it. When she moans, do
you think she is dreaming or fantasizing about Fred? —Sleepless
in Saginaw
Dear Sleepless
Probably not. Most of the time when women fantasize about Fred they make
sounds like Whhheeeeoweeee not AHHHHHmmmmmm. It could be she is fantasizing
about Henry Cooper.
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