Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Mother
I am continuing my quest to represent a group that is much underrepresented
in the media. I am referring to the group we call the “more mature.”
We have advice columns for the 30 and under, advertising that targets
the 20 to 40 year old group, and books such as W. Bruce Cameron’s
Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter. The book, which is
the springboard for the television series by the same name, is very well
written and if you haven’t read it, you should. In the off chance
that you haven’t read the book I will summarize the eight rules.
Rule #1--Don’t honk. Rule #2--Don’t lay hands or eyes on my
daughter. Rule #3-- Keep your clothes on. Rule #4-- No sex. Rule #5--
Be home early. Rule # 6-- Don’t make her cry. Rule # 7-- Don’t
waste time waiting for my daughter to get ready. Change the oil in my
car. Rule #--8 Do not take my daughter anyplace where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
It is obvious that the book celebrates and/or protects the young. What
about the “more mature” group? Older people need love and
protection too. Many seniors enjoy dating very much.
It is with this background that I am going to advance
my own “Eight Rules.” Although you may suspect I have a very
personal interest and, in fact, some personal gain in mind, I assure you
that nothing could be further from the truth. I am only interested in
what is right and proper for our older citizens.
EIGHT SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY MATURE MOTHER
Rule #1—Hurry. My mother is in the group known as 80-something.
From a statistical standpoint mom’s dating years are running out.
Although she is dynamic, vivacious, and very sexy for an 80-something,
time will probably erode these qualities. You should strike while the
iron is hot, so to speak.
Rule #2—Don’t honk. If you pull into the driveway and honk,
do not expect mom to come rushing out to your car. She actually does not
hear car horns—or thunder, or gunfire in the back yard. Be civilized
and walk up to the front door and ring the bell. It is very loud and it
activates a large red light, which mom can see. Also, you should make
no untoward or dirty inferences about the red light.
Rule #3—No nuts. If you take mom out for a meal do not feed her
nuts or anything with small seeds, like blackberries. She can’t
chew the nuts very well and the seeds get under her dentures and cause
discomfort. I don’t want you discomforting my mom.
Rule # 4—Go dancing. It is OK to take her dancing. Ballroom dancing.
The kind of dancing where couples actually touch each other and move their
bodies and limbs in time to the music. She would be confused and somewhat
distressed trying do some of the current dance rages where the couples
do not touch but move body and limbs in what appears to be a random fashion.
The rule seems to be if you have a body part that will move, you should
shake it vigorously without regard to the tempo or rhythm of the music.
Anyway mom has very few body parts that are currently moveable.
Rule #5— Plan on a chaperone. There will be no out-of-town trips
without a proper chaperone—me. If you plan to invite mom to accompany
you to exotic places in Europe, Asia, or even Australia, you should count
on including my wife, Lynn, and me in your plans. You should have the
resources to cover all the expenses of all parties, including the chaperones.
In other words if you are not pretty well off, you should plan to date
someone whose only son does not have such high expectations for a potential
Rule #6—No dates on Thursday night. On Thursday night mom plays
bingo. So do about 300 other mature women who live nearby. They are avid
bingo players. Nothing will deter them. They play multiple cards and mark
off the bingo numbers with a bigheaded magic marker made specifically
for that purpose. Mom told me this—Do you know how to make 4 little
old ladies say the king of all four letter bad words (The one for which
Ralphy got his mouth washed out with Lifebuoy soap in A Christmas Story).
Have a fifth little old lady say BINGO.
Rule #7—Bring a gift. Perhaps a nice bottle of Metamucil. Oh, I
know a lot of guys would bring a bottle of fine wine. They think wine
might loosen up their date. Well Metamucil works for mom. She likes the
orange flavor with a small glass of prune juice.
Rule #8—Be home early. Mom generally goes to sleep around 10:00,
both AM and PM. At 10:00 AM it is just a pre-lunch nap. At 10:00 PM she
is sacked out for the night. Don’t plan to sack out with her. I
would have to kill you for that. The sleep occurs about the same time
each night no matter where she is--the restaurant, the theater, driving
home in a car, etc. She sleeps very soundly and you would still be responsible
for getting her home. You can’t just leave her sleeping in her chair.
What I’m saying is that surely you don’t want to try to explain
to concerned bystanders why you are carrying what appears to be a dead
body out of the restaurant. Be home before 10:00.
I’m sure my mother would be quite interested in dating the right
man. When you show up for your date, I will expect you to fill out a brief
questionnaire. Also, please remember to bring a copy of your most recent
income tax return.