The Easter Bunny is All Washed Up.
Even at an early age I found Easter to be a troubling holiday. There seemed to be certain problems and inconsistencies particularly related to that quintessential symbol of Easter—the Easter Bunny.
My first recollections of Easter were from my preschool childhood in Morgan County, Ohio. These memories include colored eggs, chocolate bunnies, various other kinds of tooth-rotting but tasty confections, grass filled baskets to hold all the aforementioned stuff, and the firmly held belief that all this largess was attributable to a rabbit of undetermined size. (The eggs, I later learned, were remnants of an ancient Greek fertility rite.) As I grew older and developed a logical and analytical mind, I began to question whether one rabbit could be responsible for all the Easter baskets everywhere in the whole world. I concluded it must require several rabbits. I then wondered if these rabbits were domestically produced at some Easter Bunny farm or were they simply wild rabbits that chose to devote their lives to the service of kidkind at Easter-time.
The problems compounded when I learned the difference between oviparous and viviparous animals. I now realized the Easter Bunny must have a coconspirator—a chicken. Not just an ordinary barnyard chicken, but one which could lay highly decorative and multicolored eggs. Where did the rabbit find such a chicken? How did they negotiate the deal without any semblance of a common language?
This mind-boggling analysis was almost more than my young brain could handle. I concluded that the rabbit—The Easter Bunny—was the problem and must be dealt with. The Easter Bunny must be replaced.
I am by no means the only one who feels the Easter Bunny needs to be replaced. Consider the case of Peter McRea and Frank Manthy (real people), two environmentalists from Australia who want to kill the Easter bunny. Not only do they want kill all the wild rabbits in Australia, they also want to eliminate chocolate Easter bunnies from every shop in Australia and replace them with something entirely different—The Easter Bilby. What is a bilby, you might ask? And well you should because very few people in the whole world have ever heard of a bilby let alone seen one. A bilby is a cute, long eared, long tailed critter about the size of a rabbit. The bilby’s very existence is being threatened because rabbits, not native to Australia, are overrunning their habitat and eating their food. These rabbits breed like—well, rabbits.
It occurs to me that if such an effort can be mounted in Australia, good old Yankee ingenuity can go one better in the US of A. Therefore, I am going to make a modest proposal that we replace the Easter bunny with the EASTER EMU.
Wow! That’s a pretty drastic change, you might say. You would, of course, be right. But drastic notwithstanding, it is a change whose time has come. Consider the following—
1. Easter Emu just sounds better than Easter Bunny. It is alliterative
and rolls off the tongue easier.
If you think this modest proposal has merit, you should write a letter of support, either e-mail or hard copy, to me. I will attach your letters to my proposal and will forward them to the United States Congress with the recommendation that we finally make our favorite spring holiday one that we can all understand and be proud of.