Read the Ads

My morning ritual, which starts at 5:00AM, seven days a week, is to sit on my sofa with wife Lynn, cat Dooley, and dog Sally and read the morning papers. Dog Sally usually, but not always, sits or lies on the floor. This scene of domesticity is always accompanied by freshly ground and freshly brewed coffee.

I start with The Huntsville Item. I read it from front to back. That takes at least 3 to 4 minutes. Next comes The Houston Chronicle. I start with Section A and pretty much follow the order that the paper happens to be in that day. I spend some time lingering over the three and one-half pages of comics. I love the comics, or funnies as we used to call them.

I read the headlines and lead paragraph of almost every story. If the story is interesting, I read the whole thing. What I generally do not do read is the advertisements. The only ads I read with regularity are the ones attached to the Sunday comics of The Houston Chronicle. I read them for the sole purpose of noting the advertiser and vowing to never patronize the business. Then I tear the ads off so as not to impede my progress in reading the comics. So far as I’m concerned there has never been a greater desecration of the comics section than attaching advertising to it.

Yesterday all that changed. A full-page ad caught my eye. It had few pictures and lots of text. I read the whole thing. It was an ad “Introducing a better way to make money.” It said the stock market was a dangerous and money losing proposition. Instead of playing the stock market we should take a serious look at the FOREX market. We’re talking about the Foreign Currency Exchange, presumably a safe and money making proposition. The ad tells us there are more profitable trading opportunities here than in any other market. One man offers testimony that he made $1,000 profit everyday this week.

Does President Bush know about this remarkable money making opportunity? I’m going to clip the ad and send it to him. The multi trillion-dollar surplus that looked so good at the end of the Clinton administration has been turned into a multi-trillion deficit—or will be if something isn’t done.

A MODEST PROPOSAL

As soon as President Bush gets the ad copy I’m sending him, he should appoint a committee of White House staff people, select Cabinet members, Congressional leaders, and a couple of folks from each state. This committee would attend the “FREE 2-hour Introductory Seminar” in Houston to learn about the FOREX market. This committee would then become a cadre to teach other government people how to do it. Soon thousands of government employees would know the system. Then LET THE TRADING BEGIN. With the government’s ability to print unlimited amounts of currency and with thousands of volunteers to trade it, we could make bazillions of dollars and could forestall the huge impending deficit. What’s more, it takes only 2 or 3 hours a day and trades can be made 24 hours a day 6 days a week.

I had no idea what I had been missing by not reading the ads. I don’t know how we would have solved the deficit problem had I not read the ad. I’m now a driven man. I have read more ads and learned some astonishing things.

From the ad entitled SEX FOR LIFE I learned that a group of medical doctors of the Boston Medical Group have safely and effectively enabled hundreds of thousands of patients with certain kinds of problems to enjoy a better sex life. What kind of problems, you might ask. The two kinds of problems that they treat are an attention standing deficit and the problem of finishing within the same 10-second time period that you started. These folks have clinics all over the world including Houston. I would have missed all that if I hadn’t read the ads.

I learned that it is possible to lose 40 pounds by the holidays. One person testified that he lost 35 pounds and his fiancée lost 30 pounds. Wow! That’s 65 pounds a couple. Lynn and I might try that because we’ll be in Holland, Germany, and Austria for the holidays where I expect to be enjoying good European food and wine. We will need a 65-pound space to make room for that intake.

If the weight loss program doesn’t do it for you there is always OBESITY SURGERY. The ad says it’s safe and effective. From the before and after picture it looks like they can whack out at least 100 pounds. I now love reading the ads.

Another ad tells me I can lose 35 pounds and 2 dress sizes with hypnosis. My world will be “brighter and less stressful.” I’ll look into that one. My dresses are all too tight. I should never have gone to the J. Edgar Hoover yard sale.

IRS PROBLEMS? Veteran ex-IRS agents who have defected to the private sector will give you a written guarantee and promise to settle for pennies on the dollar. Does President Bush know about this? If we have thousands of government workers out trading currency on the FOREX market and IRS defectors getting tax deadbeats off for just pennies on the dollar, it’s all for naught. I think I’ll send this ad to President Bush too. He can sic John Ashcroft on these people.

I discovered a place for SINGLES to browse ads FREE and found out when I can go to “Texas largest gun show.” Finally “Fate can meet Destiny” through a dating service for busy professionals.

You too should read the ads in your hometown newspaper. You will learn some really good stuff and it will help offset the very generous remuneration I get for writing these silly columns.