James Bond meets Harry Potter-Part Two
Last week the British Secret Service recruited Harry Potter, a 12-year-old wizard, to work with James Bond and Hermione Granger, another young wizard, to work with Q in the Secret Service gadgets laboratory. Every effort is being made to get Harry and Hermione up to speed to appear in the remake of Die Another Day, the most recent James Bond movie. The powers that be felt it would be a good idea to involve the young wizards in a movie with a proven track record to see how Bond and Potter work together and also to find out if the movie-going public will accept the new combo. While Potter and Bond are on assignment, the British Secret Service will refer to them by code name Harry/James.
While Harry and Hermione are in training in London, James Bond is on assignment in North Korea trying to thwart the plans of the evil Colonel Moon, the son of a famous North Korean general. Bond engages in an exciting hovercraft chase and although it appears he is going to win the day he is, alas, captured and sent to a horrible prison.
Meanwhile back in London M learns of Bond's capture and immediately orders Hermione to brew up a potion that will help Bond escape. She does. Although it takes her 3 months, she finally comes up with a brew that will turn Bond into an owl, allowing him to escape and fly to safety in South Korea. Unfortunately, it takes Hermione 3 weeks to brew a second potion to turn the owl Bond back into his human form. During that 3 weeks hungry South Korean farmers who have a taste for owl stew relentlessly hunt Bond. (At Hogwarts, the school for wizards and sorcerers, a good bit of time is spent turning people into animals and back again. Hermione learned how to do it; she is just slow.)
Bond returns to London where he links up with the newly trained Harry Potter and they set off for Cuba to catch the evil Col. Moon. Bond is posing as a bird watcher and his little friend Harry is posing as his little friend, Harry. Bond learns his target is in a clinic on an island not far from his hotel. He reconnoiters the island with his bird-watching binoculars. While sweeping the beach below his bar stool, what should he see but Jinks (Halle Berry) emerging from the surf in a teeny, weenie wet bikini. Bond approves of what he sees. Jinks walks to the outdoor bar, still in her bikini, where Bond is drinking his usual martini, shaken not stirred. Bond and Jinks carry on a sexually oriented conversation while young Harry looks on. Young Harry experiences lust for the first time.
The next day Harry/James head for the clinic-James is pushing Harry in a wheeled chair. They get to the clinic and locate the bad guy in bed hooked up to a bunch of tubes. After a positive ID Harry points his magic at the bad guy and says FARSLAMMIN PEDUNCLENIP*, which melts the bad guy's brain.
Jinks is also at the clinic on a separate assignment and is discovered by the security forces who chase her to the top of a cliff. She dives off the cliff and is rescued by her waiting accomplices. James and Harry watch Jinks dive off the cliff. Harry is still lusting. The guards who have been watching Jinks suddenly discover Harry/James. As they are about to capture them, Harry waves his magic wand and says, BOOMBODICAR KABOOMISLAM*, which is supposed to blow up the guards. In his lust-altered state Harry really yells, which increases the power of the spell. He blows up the whole clinic and much of the island. James is impressed but cautioned Harry to try to control his emotions.
James finds out that a new bad guy, Gustav Graves, needs catching. So it's off to Hong Kong to find him. They do find Gustav at The Blades, a club for very rich people who like to play with swords. Gustav is accompanied by his trusted assistant, Miranda Frost, who is really on the payroll of the British Secret Service, but is, as we later learn, a double agent. Miranda was once a cheerleader named Debbie who cheered for the Dallas Cowboys. After she had done Dallas, she was recruited by M for the British Secret Service and was given her new name. Miranda is beautiful but cold. Harry Potter lusts anyway. James gets into a fencing contest with Gustav and is about to lose when Harry steps in with his magic wand which he uses a fighting sword. Gustav laughs at Harry and prepares to destroy him. Harry waves his wand and says, SHAZAM*, and turns into Captain Marvel. This so surprises Gustav that he throws his sword at Harry and misses completely. The sword sticks in a picture of Bill Clinton. No one knows why Bill Clinton's picture is hanging in a club devoted to swordplay.
Later that evening Gustav unveils his new orbiting satellite, which he says will be a boon to all person kind. The satellite is really a laser beam death ray that was stolen from President Reagan's neglected Star Wars Program. Gustav invites James to come to Iceland to see his ice palace. James and Harry, of course, go. Unbeknownst to James, Jinks is in Iceland.
James gets captured but escapes. Jinks gets captured and is locked in a room that is filling up with water from melting ice. The ice is melting because Gustav turned his laser beam death ray on the ice palace. Meanwhile James and Harry get into James' invisible car, which mysteriously turns visible. Gustav's really bad dude assistant, Zao, jumps into his late model Porsche, which is outfitted with machine guns, rockets and other deadly gadgets. It looks like it will be one of those interminably long chase scenes-but no. Harry points his magic wand at Zao, and says, PORSHEKIDOR SERPENTIUM* and the car turns into a huge snake which writhes for a bit then dies because it is stranded on a frozen Jokulsaron lagoon. Snakes don't do well on ice.
Freed from his pursuer, James rescues Jinks and they go off to some warm place to make out. Harry has been forgotten. He however will not take such neglect lying down. He casts his last spell of the movie by waving his magic wand and saying, EBONIC ZIRCONIUM. *
The final scene is Jinks (still Halle Berry) standing on a warm sunny hilltop in her diamond-encrusted bikini being devoutly admired by James and Harry.
Since Harry, with his magic wand, dramatically reduced the length of time devoted to fights and chase scenes while maintaining the requisite amount of sex and violence, the movie running time is shortened from 123 minutes to 38 minutes and 20 seconds.
*See James Bond Meets Harry Potter published in last week's column.