The Candidates: Part 1
I generally stay away from politics when writing these columns. However, this is a humor column and there are currently 34 or 35 candidates for the democratic presidential nomination and there are only 582 days left until the election. To deprive oneself of such a large area of comical activity and exciting rhetoric would seem a great waste of good material.
Of all the candidates in the race so far only one is from Texas, Willie F. Carter. Although we have already had one president named Carter, Willie F. Carter is unrelated. Willie Carter is an experienced candidate as this will be his 5th run for the presidency. His best showing to date came in 2000 when he garnered 30 votes to come in 17th in the New Hampshire primary. He has filed the necessary federal paperwork to make the run in 2004.
Another even more experienced candidate is Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr. from Virginia, running for the 8th time. LaRouche claimed to be the world’s leading economist of the 20th century. So far as I know he hasn’t updated that credential for the 21st century. He recognizes there are problems in the world and attributes them to Queen Elizabeth, the Pope, Jane Fonda, Ted Kennedy, George Bush, the CIA, the FBI and many others. He is unclear about how he will solve these problems or what he will do about their causes if elected president.
Gary Hart, once considered one of the best political minds of the late 20th century, is in the race for the 3rd time. In his first attempt in 1984, he lost to Mondale. (My computer spell check doesn’t like this word; it thinks it should be “mundane.”) The 2nd time was in 1988. He lost to Rice. Well, he didn’t exactly lose TO Rice so much as he lost BECAUSE OF Rice. That was the year that Republican women gave their heart to Bush. The Democratic women….
The latest candidate to declare for the democratic nomination is Quella
U.A.C. (Bubba) Krackenknocker, from somewhere in Iowa. I recently spoke
to Mr. Krackenknocker by phone to try to determine why we should support
him for the presidency.
“My full name is Quella Udel Alford Craincross Krackenknocker.
Because of my ethnic background I can relate to the needs of all major
ethnic groups in the country (except the French) better than any other
candidate in this race.”
“Studies have shown that most government workers spend about 3 1/2 hours per day looking at pornography on their computers. I would cut that down to no more than 1 hour per day and the other 2 1/2 hours could be spent trading in the FOREX market. According to the ad that’s all it takes. Soon a million government employees would be using the system. If the one million workers each make $1000 a day, that’s $1,000,000,000 a day.
“Then we would employ part time folks to work at home on a commission
basis. Soon we could have 100,000,000 people trading in the FOREX
market. That could yield a profit of $1,000,000,000,000 per day. Why would
we need any taxes at all? NO MORE TAXES. That’s my economic policy.
Pretty good, huh?”