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My Amazing Computer

When Lynn and I got back from Europe, one of the first things I did was check the computer for any e-mails I might have gotten while we were away. There were a few—476 to be exact. If for some reason you don’t get the wide range of Internet opportunities available to me, I’m going to share this wealth of computer largess with you.

There were several emails explaining how I could get “out of debt.” I don’t have a lot of debt, but I would be willing to shed what I have. Interestingly, the way to get out of debt, according to my potential benefactors, is to assume more debt. These companies said they were quite willing to pay off all my little bitty debts with little bitty payments and allow me to pay them one staggeringly large payment each month. By their definition, I would then be out of debt. I would happily live debt-free, but the large monthly payment would reduce that happiness considerably.

I received a bunch of letters from Tonya, Ruby, Cherry, Jennifer, Tammy, and many others offering me an opportunity to by Viagra at greatly reduced prices. They all promised to send the Viagra in plain brown wrappers right to my front door. How did these women get my name? Has someone been talking? Why are so many women willing to sell me Viagra? Do these women have some ulterior motive of which I should be aware? It pretty obvious to me that these women have designs on my body and figure that at my advanced age I might need all the help I can get. Sorry, Tonya and Ruby; I’m already spoken for. Lynn really doesn’t like for me to date anyone else.

Another group offered me certain body enhancements. They assured me things could be bigger and better. I wonder if Tonya, Ruby, and their cohorts passed the word along to these enhancement people? I have always felt pretty adequate, but now I wonder. I also wonder if these things have a cumulative effect—if I took advantage of both of these offers would my life change materially? Do people really pay for such things? If any of you readers have taken advantage of some of these marvelous opportunities, let me know how successful they were.

I was gratified to learn that I had won a significant number of prizes in my absence. I was a winner in some daily contests. I was the gazillionth person to visit a web site that I have never visited, and won a prize for that. I was the potential winner of a house and a car. I think I also won a cruise—absolutely free. All I had to do was pay two or three hundred dollars handling fee and I would receive my free tickets in the mail. There was also a site that contained three “boxes” of ping-pong balls with numbers on them. By clicking on the “click here” place I could try to win a prize. I clicked and won. I suspect I was the only one who won this great prize, which will be delivered to me later. I am a very lucky person.

A large number of companies wanted to lend me money to buy cars, buy new houses, refinance old houses, and anything else I might want to use money for. I was assured that they would happily lend me money even if my credit rating sucked. They seemed to feel certain that I would use their money wisely and would repay every cent of it—even if I had defaulted on all my previous loans. These were very trusting people. I find it gratifying that in these cynical times there are some trusting people who want to be helpful and share their money with complete strangers. I haven’t done so yet, but I intend to contact “Guido the Lender” and tell him how much I appreciate his willingness to lend me all that money.

I was offered several opportunities to buy all kinds of medicine from a variety of places including Canada. Apparently Canada has a surplus of medicine that they are willing to let go at some amazingly low prices. It seemed that they even had doctors standing by to write me a prescription based on my diagnosis of my problem. The prices looked pretty good but I passed on this one. I don’t take much medicine.

By far my greatest opportunities for receiving Internet stuff were from the pornography people. I don’t know when I have had more options for receiving pornography ABSOLUTELY FREE. Usually the ABSOLUTELY FREE sign was in bright colors and blinking with considerable enthusiasm. I could sign up for web sites featuring women, men, chickens and other farm animals, household appliances, other kinds of appliances, both natural and man-made, old models, young models—the variety was staggering. Although I gave careful consideration to the opportunities I was passing up, I found the little statement in very small letters that says, “Remove me from your mailing list” and I clicked on it. Interestingly in order to be removed from their list you are required to give them your email address that I suspect they sell to their friends in the pornography business. It is also interesting that when you try to close a porn site another one pops up. I discovered that you must close these sites very fast, before a new one can find you.

It took several hours to clear all the stuff from my inbox. When I leave town next I plan to have all my e-mail forwarded to my many friends. If you would like to receive some of the overflow, just let me know.