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Advice to the 30 over 30 folks

In the Huntsville Item there is an advice column for the 30 and under group. Although I am somewhat beyond the age limit, I occasionally read the column just to see what the 30 and under group are concerned about. It’s mostly about sex and relationships.

It occurs to me that the over 30 group may have some concerns that are not being addressed by the 30 and under columnist. In an effort to remedy that situation, I have offered to write an advice column for the 30 over 30 folks—like that’s 60 and up. I wasn’t sure what the 60 and up group was worried about until I started getting their letters. It’s mostly about relationships and sex.

I will share some of those letters with you.

Dear Old Advice Person:
I am 82 years old and have recently discovered the miracle of Viagra. It has added a whole new dimension to my life. I, however, have two problems. One, ordering Viagra in the quantities needed is quite expensive and two, the instructions say take one Viagra when you want to have sex but do not take more than one per day. These instructions are inconsistent, contradictory, and frustrating. Do you have any suggestions? --Frustrated in Elkins Lake

Dear Frustrated:
It sounds to me like you have too much time on your hands and not enough money. Get a job. That will take care of both problems. The extra income can be put into your Viagra fund and the job will take so much time that you will have less need for Viagra. You could be a corrections officer with the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. They are always trying to recruit more help.

Dear Old Advice Person:
I am 73 years old and still enjoy playing tennis at least twice a week. My problem is that when my opponent hits the ball to the other side of the court, it takes me about 8.5 minutes to get over there. By that time it’s too late to make my shot. What should I do? --Slow in Elkins Lake

Dear Slow:
I too enjoy tennis and am in the process of designing a tennis court for our age group. It will be as long as a normal court but only 4 feet wide. We should be able to cover the court in a matter of seconds. The problem we discovered with the prototype of the new court is the difficulty of hitting the serve in bounds. In fact, so far no server has won a single game on the new court. You should take serving lessons if you plan to play on this new court.

Dear Old Advice Person:
I have been dating Amanda (not her real name) for about 2 years. Recently I met Ashley (not her real name either) at a local nightspot. We got to talking and one thing led to another and before I knew it, she suggested that we go somewhere and “make out.” Ashley at age 64 is much younger than Amanda and is quite attractive. My problem is I don’t remember what “making out” is. Help! --Forgetful in Elkins Lake

Dear Forgetful:
Ask Amanda if she remembers.

Dear Old Advice Person:
The other day I was driving through my subdivision (Elkins Lake) when I thought I saw a couple dressed in matching brown outfits eating azaleas out of my neighbor’s front yard. Although I don’t see as well as I used to, I believe I have seen this couple other places in Elkins Lake. Should I report them to the sheriff’s office or what? --Curious in Elkins Lake

Dear Curious:
It will probably do no good to report this couple to the sheriff. My recommendation is that if you should see the couple in your yard, don’t feed them. It’s against the law. I would also recommend that you develop some sort of warning system to let your neighbors know when you plan to be out on the street in your car.

Dear Old Advice Person:
I am in my late 70’s but am still quite active, if you know what I mean, (wink). Recently I have subscribed to an on-line dating service and as part of that service I can list my profile and submit a photograph. My question is, would it be unethical to submit my high school graduation picture? --Computer Dude in Elkins Lake
P.S. Also, should I tell my wife about this service?

Dear Dude:
I think your high school graduation picture would be a bit of a stretch. Instead send a picture of any one of the James Bonds, but preferably George Lazenby because no one will recognize him. You should tell your wife about this service and ask her to write your profile.

Dear Old Advice Person:
I enjoy writing verse, particularly limericks. Unfortunately, many of the limericks turn out to be a bit risqué. I would like to have some of them published, but am having a hard time. I contacted the editor and the publisher of our local paper but neither of them would agree to publish my dirty limericks. Would you be willing to include one or two of the attached limericks in your advice column? --Sexy Senior Citizen Author In Elkins Lake

Dear Sexy Senior Citizen Author in Elkins Lake: