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More advice to the 60 and over group


My previous column providing advice to the 60 and over group struck a responsive chord with an audience that has been heretofore largely neglected. I have been whelmed with additional letters from folks who need help with important problems.

Here are the most recent inquiries.

Dear Old Advice Person—I have recently retired and moved to a nice condo in Zephyrhills, Florida, a pleasant town of 5,000 people in the summer and about 100,000 in the winter. Before I moved here I was accustomed to eating my evening meal around 6:30 PM but have found that Florida retirees tend to eat much earlier than that. In fact, they start lining up at restaurants at about 3:00 PM. I sleep late and have breakfast about 11:00 AM. I eat a bite of lunch at 1:00 PM. Do you think my system will be adversely affected if I have supper at 3:00 PM? That would mean that my 3 meals a day would fall within a 4 hour time period. —Not Hungry in Florida

Dear Not Hungry
I would recommend that you starting eating very slowly at 11:00 AM and just graze until around 3:00 or 3:30 PM and then stop for the day. You’re retired. What else have you got to do?

Dear Old Advice Person—I am 83 years old and have a lovely young wife who is 35. She is intelligent, attractive, loving (on a daily basis), and meets my every need. My only problem is she loves to shop. I mean seriously shop. The kind of shopping where she really buys stuff. Since I’m retired and on a fixed income I can’t afford to pay for what she buys. This is not a problem for Jennifer because she inherited more than 15 million dollars from her grandfather. Do you think it makes me look like a piker because I can’t afford to pay Jennifer’s shopping bills? —Perplexed in Palatka

Dear Perplexed
At your age I wouldn’t worry about what people think. In fact, I’m sure you recognize that at your age, time (from a statistical standpoint) is very limited. However, if you will send me Jennifer’s phone number, dress size, and favorite color, I will be happy to talk to her about her spending habits.

Dear Old Advice Person—My husband is 76 years old and is a health nut. He works out three days a week at the gym and runs 5 miles three times a week. That is not a problem because it gets him out of the house, which is a blessing. The problem is he also eats a very high fiber, natural food diet that causes him to produce an incredible amount of gas. In this regard he is both noisy and olfactorally offensive. What can I do? —Gassed in Bastrop

Dear Gassed
Your problem is a serious one but far more common than you might think. It is so common that next week’s column will be devoted entirely to that subject. In the mean time you might try to capture the gas, which is usually about 80% methane, and is flammable. When placed in a small methane-burning lamp, it produces a warm romantic light, not unlike a candle. Use this lamp to create a romantic mood in your bedroom—perhaps he will be distracted and forget to flatulate. I’m not sure how to capture the gas but you might try a large plastic bag.

Dear Old Advice Person—My husband, the old fool, has become the world’s most helpful person. The trouble is he helps only one person—the good-looking young widow who just moved in next door. She wears really short shorts and sunbathes in the tiniest little bikini you have ever seen. He, the old fool, goes over to her house every day to see if he can be “of assistance.” The other day he was going out to get in the car when she was in her front yard bending over in a really short dress. While he was watching her, he opened the car door, got in, shut the door, only to find he had gotten into the back seat, the old fool. What should I do? –The Old Fool’s wife

Dear Old
He seems pretty harmless to me. Just be thankful he doesn’t have gas.

Dear Old Advice Person—My wife snores. She seriously snores. She makes sounds like ZZSNREKSS and AHHAHHDRT snort, snort, snort, and some others that I don’t even know how to spell. In addition she makes loud moaning sounds like AHHHHHmmmmmm. I have tried to talk to her about this problem and just laughs and denies she does it. When she moans, do you think she is dreaming or fantasizing about Fred? —Sleepless in Saginaw

Dear Sleepless
Probably not. Most of the time when women fantasize about Fred they make sounds like Whhheeeeoweeee not AHHHHHmmmmmm. It could be she is fantasizing about Henry Cooper.