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Gas revisited

A few months ago (March 17, 2002) I wrote a column on that universal phenomenon, flatulence. At that time I suggested that flatulence had tremendous potential as a growth industry. (Although some people are offended by the most common designation for flatulence, I feel I must remind you we are talking about farts.) The numbers are staggering. There are 6,000,000,000 people in the world and all of them flatulate on the average of 14 times a day, producing 2 to 3 pints of gas. I received a number of comments about the column and in fact they are still coming in.

Last week I received the following email from a reader in Greenville, North Carolina.

I came across your article on GasBGon…thanks. I would like to send you a GasBGon cushion if you provide me your shipping particulars.
Thanks for your efforts in “helping clear the air and not the room.”
Jim P Huza, President
Dairiair, LLC

Jim is one of those people who has recognized the potential of flatulence and is cashing in on it. Jim did send me a GasBGon cushion upon which I am now sitting, just in case. He also sent me a stack of literature on the GasBGon seat cushion. I now know, for example, that the seat cushions come in several limited designer patterns (although mine is the standard “checkered flag” design) and have a “Tally-Toot” to help the user determine optimum time for filter changes, which is on the average
3 months for men and 6 months for women.

“Hey, wait a minute,” you might say, “Just what is a GasBGon flatulence filter seat cushion, anyway?” Let me quote from the literature. “GasBGon (GBG) is new seat cushion technology that muffles the sound of flatulence and absorbs the smell… It was designed by a woman, made for a man, and sometimes used by a lady.”

Today I discovered a tactic that Jim and his Dairiair Company have not advertised, i.e., if you are wearing rather loose fitting sweat pants, you can slip the GasBGon cushion into the rear of the pants for whatever benefit it might have. It makes your butt look a bit bigger but could save you an embarrassing moment at the gym.

Jim also sent me a press release that I am going to quote in its entirety because this is the first weekend of the traditional Christmas shopping season and you might discover that the “hard to shop for” person on your Christmas list is not so hard to shop for after all.

Press Release

Important Note from Santa: Give a Holiday Gift That's Sure to Be Remembered—Without Spending A Ton of Money

Greenville, N.C. (November 10,2002) --Can you name the holiday gifts you received 5 years ago? Or 3 years ago? Or even last year? I didn't think so. The trouble is that most holiday gifts have a limited shelf life in our memories. We would like them to be remembered forever, but this is rarely the case.

There is a blueprint for choosing a holiday gift that won't soon be forgotten, however. It was published in England in 1780. Called the "Twelve Days of Christmas", this well-known song basically teaches that a memorable holiday gift is one that confounds a recipient's expectations.

Now you can give your modern-day True Love the dozen gift ideas itemized in the song. It will be sure to make a lasting impression. But it will cost you a ton of money. Here's a list of the song's 12 holiday gift items and what they'll set you back today:

· 1 Partridge in 1 Pear Tree $99.00
· 2 Turtle Doves $66.00
· 3 French Hens $45.00
· 4 Calling Birds $60.00
· 5 Golden Rings $1500.00
· 6 Geese A-Laying $120.00
· 7 Swans A-swimming $140.00 (swimming pool extra)
· 8 Maids A-milking $4000.00 (note: cows leased)
· 9 Ladies Dancing $3000.00 (choreographer extra)
· 10 Lords A-leaping $3500.00 (excluding insurance)
· 11 Pipers Piping $2500.00 (union scale rates)
· 12 Drummers Drumming $4000.00 (plus instrument fee)

$18K PLUS— just for a guaranteed forget-me-not moment with your significant other… If you're thinking that there's got to be a cheaper way to make a lasting holiday gift impression, you are absolutely right!

For the low, low price of $19.95, you can confound your Loved One's holiday expectations PLUS be remembered for years to come. Give the one-of-a-kind GasBGon flatulence filter-seat cushion! I can guarantee that your gift will make a powerful first impression. And unlike conventional holiday gift ideas, it's sure to be engraved upon its recipient's long-term memory.

GasBGon filter-seat cushions use state-of-the-art carbon filter technology to transform accidental flatulence outbursts into Equivalent Fresh Air. I'm not kidding. They really work! Last year, hundreds of satisfied customers learned that with GasBGon's filter magic behind them, it really is possible to "clear the air, not the room".

GasBGon filter-seat cushions are available in a wide range of attractive designs. Filter elements have a long service life and are easily replaceable. Order now from the folks at www.gasbgon.com. And yes, feel free to hum the "Twelve Days of Christmas" song as your Loved One opens up this most unexpected holiday gift…$19.95. Now doesn't that beat 12 drummers drumming?

Sincerely, SANTA
To purchase please visit www.gasbgon.com; phone: 877GASBGON; International phone: (252) 355-8085. All cushions are made in U.S.A., assembled by East Carolina Vocational Center, advocates of opportunities for the disabled.
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Just remember
When you’re sad, sometimes no one sees your tears.
When you’re worried, sometimes no one sees your stress.
When you’re happy, sometimes no one sees your smile.

But fart just one time…