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Texas—an Epic Poem

Texas is a marvelous state
With many things that make it great.
Catfish infest its streams and rivers
And can be caught on chicken livers.
Wild horses roam its vast range.
So do dogs, and they have mange.

Houston is its biggest city.
Dallas thinks that’s a pity.
San Antonio has its river walk
With nice cafes where folks can talk.
It also has the Alamo
Where Texas’ heroes deigned to show
The whole world we’re really tough,
And Santa Ana’s not just fluff.
Austin is the state’s grand capital.
That’s where Rick Perry lives.

Far north and west is Amarillo.
Home to the jackrabbit and armadillo.
If you go there, take a pillow
Because, like Lubbock, it’s really boring.
So lie on your pillow and get to snoring.

The Aggies live at College Station
And think that they’re a separate nation
The Longhorns know for sure they’re not
Aggies, they think, are not so hot
Close at hand in times gone by
The Chicken Ranch was very high
On the Aggies’ list of places to visit
Til good old Marvin said, “No, it isn’t.”

All Texans seem to live by sports
When their teams lose they’re out of sorts
For days and weeks and sometimes years
In fact, one of their great fears
Is an SEC team like Mississippi
Will come out west and beat the bippie
Off Texas A&M and Baylor
In the land of pick-up trucks and trailers
Although the last line doesn’t rhyme
I’ll fix it when I have the time.

Hunting/fishing is a Texas pastime
And everyone remembers the last time
He/she shot a deer or sheep--
Got so excited they couldn’t sleep;
Could hardly wait to show their friends
The mighty hunter wins again.
Sometimes the trophy’s a great big fish
That actually fulfills your every wish
To mount a dead animal on your wall
Right there in the entry hall.

Fort Worth is where the west begins,
Once famous for its cattle pens.
You know for sure if the wind’s just right
That’s not the place to spend the night.
Stockyards often take a hit
Because they smell so much like poo poo.
I find the panhandle very bleak.
At times it’s so cold you can hardly speak
Without your words coming out all frozen.
That’s when you know you’ve chosen
The wrong part of Texas to live and play
So leave and come back another day
When perhaps the weather will be warmer
And you’ll meet some gracious farmer
Who has a gorgeous looking daughter
Who skinny-dips in the clear blue water
Out behind the big red barn.
One look at her and you’ll go tharn.

I’ve never been to old El Paso
But I’m told it’s possible to lasso
A dark eyed beauty full of vigor
With a very voluptuous figure
Who likes to sing and play and dance
And looks so good in blue jeans pants.

Some Texas towns have funny names
Like Arp and Ector, Bogor and Plains.
There’s also Winnie, Wink and Windcrest,
Muleshoe, Munday, Nash and Nacogdoches.
I’m sure you’ll think it a pas that’s faux*
But there is a place that’s called—Dime Box.
There are truly Texas places to boot
Like Gun Barrel City and Cut And Shoot.

Texas has great writers like Molly Ivins
Whose tales of the legislature always enlivens
Any discussion of politics.
Molly really gets in her licks
I think she does it just for kicks.
She never writes about the Knicks.
Why should she? They’re from New York.

Texas has great seats of learning
And many high school seniors yearning
To be selected by Texas Tech,
Or A&M, or Gallaudet.
I know that Gallaudet’s not near
But for folks like me who cannot hear
It could be the place to be.
It’s also for those who cannot see.
Some would like to go to Baylor
And live in Waco in a trailer.
Many long to go to Austin
But realize it will cost’em
Lots and lots and lots of money,
So very much that it ain’t funny.
So daddy says, “Go to Sam
The fees are less; it’s close at hand.”
Whoops, that’s not true this coming fall
When the fees go up for one and all.
Some schools are staffed with intellectuals.
Others ruled by ineffectuals.

At one time Texas was the biggest state.
Then Alaska came along of late.
That Alaska’s vast there is no doubt,
But Texas certainly has the clout
To really capitalize on it’s past
And never admit it’s just half vast.

*For poetic purposes, pronounce this word in Texan not its original French.