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James Bond Meets Harry Potter

Just so you will know how industrious and how far ahead I am, I’m writing this column on Thanksgiving weekend—the same weekend during which I went to see two movies. That’s one more than my normal annual quota. Both movies were released during the past week and both took in mega-bucks at the box office. I’m talking about Harry Potter and James Bond. I know Harry Potter is a kids’ movie, but wife Lynn, who is much younger than I, insisted we go see it. The James Bond movie was my idea. I started reading Ian Fleming’s James Bond books back when I was in high school—that’s in the 1950’s. I read all his books and I have seen all of the Bond movies. I like the Bond movies because it seems that the best looking women on the planet are attracted to the spy business and invariably get involved with James Bond. These women have an aversion to clothing but a great affinity for Bond.

In the event you have been living under a rock and missed the hype—Harry Potter is a very talented 12-year old British wizard who is in his second year at Hogwarts, a school for sorcerers and wizards. James Bond is a talented British spy. Harry Potter has been in 2 movies. James Bond has been in 20 movies.

Anyway, after seeing both new movies on the same weekend, I have developed a modest proposal that I think would be a surefire hit picture show.

James Bond is getting a bit long of tooth. After all he has been spying and shooting people since 1954. The British Secret Service, his employer, recognizing this, casts about for a helper who might ultimately be a replacement. (The current James Bond is going to retire from Bonding after his next movie.) After many high level meetings and five committee studies, they found the perfect solution. The Secret Service sends a representative to Hogwarts, the prominent but secret school for sorcerers and wizards. Specifically, the Secret Service is trying to recruit Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Both are British subjects and each has unique talents useful to the Secret Service. Although young, Harry has already demonstrated his special powers as a wizard in general and his prowess with the magic wand. Hermione is very good with the magic wand and also at making potions to either cast or defend against spells. Harry has shown no aptitude for potion making. Hermione is 10 degrees of cute and will probably grow up to be gorgeous. This is a definite asset in the spy business.

Harry and Hermione are brought to London for training and indoctrination. They meet M and Q. M is the head honcho of the Secret Service and Q is the genius behind the James Bond gadgets. Since Harry already has his magic wand, which Q cannot duplicate, the main training sessions are devoted to specific spells that Harry would use to assist James Bond in all his ventures. Although I will not deal with all the spells developed, I will give you a sample. Others may be revealed as the story progresses.

All of the magic words that follow are to be spoken fairly loudly, but without screaming, while pointing the magic wand directly at the object of the spell and wiggling it (the wand) slightly. Also, if you plan to try any of the spells, recognize that the proper pronunciation is very important. All words should have the second syllable accented. Having said that, you are cautioned to not try this at home unless you are a professional wizard and have a genuine magic wand.

PORSCHEKIDOR SERPENTIUM—A curse for turning a late model Porsche into a large snake. This would have been very useful in the long chase scene in the latest Bond movie. Harry, who would be riding with Bond, would simply point his wand at the Porsche being driven by the very bad guy and poof, the Porsche is a large snake.

BOOMBODICAR KABOOMISLAM—is a general curse for blowing up buildings and other objects that get in the way. You must remember that a magic wand is direction specific: it acts on whatever it’s pointed toward, so this spell must be used very carefully. Unfortunately, in the early going Harry’s aim is not yet perfected so he blows up a lot of stuff. This is not a big problem for the moviemakers because audiences like to see stuff blow up.

RAZDIDDLE SAHARITOP—Turns evil cheerleaders into dinosaurs. This one has never been needed in a Bond Movie before, but the film producers are considering a movie that involves Debbie a cheerleader from Dallas, who is a very bad person. The spell will probably come in handy.

EBONIC ZIRCONIUM—Makes a diamond encrusted bikini for Jinks. Jinks is an American spy played by Oscar winning actress, Halle Berry. Halle Berry may be the best looking spy companion James Bond will ever have. She is gorgeous. Every square centimeter of her exposed skin is beautiful. Her bikini is, however, rather plain. Harry can fix that.

FARSLAMMIN PEDUNCLENIP—A general spell which will cause various parts of the brain (those connected by the peduncle) to melt.

SHAZAM—Turns Harry into Captain Marvel. This is useful if Harry gets caught in a situation where he must actually engage in hand-to-hand combat. After all, in his natural state he is a skinny weak-looking pre-teen age kid.

Hermione will not go into the field with James and Harry. She will remain in the secret laboratory working with Q on a number of spells cast by magic potions. Although she is very good, she is also very slow. In her last movie it took her a month to make a potion to undo the people who had been petrified in peculiar positions.

How will all this work? Stay tuned. An implementation of this new dynamic duo plus Hermione will be coming your way shortly.