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Advice to the over 60 crowd

A number of folks in the over 60 group have come to depend on the advice column which appears here occasionally. It is in such high demand that it will probably become a regular feature every few months or so. Although the recent accumulation of letters comes from all over, most are concentrated in the warm retirement areas, such as Florida and southern Texas.

Dear Old Advice Person—My wife died 6 months ago and the neighbors, most of whom are widows, have been very supportive and bring food to my house every day. They usually sit down and stay a while. All of them always ask if there is any thing else they can do for me. Some of them wink a lot when they ask this question. All of the dishes are casseroles. There are no exceptions. Do you think it is possible to die from eating nothing but casseroles? Getting Fat in Fredericksburg

Dear Getting Fat
It is not likely that you will die from subsisting on casseroles. They usually contain a variety of ingredients and are somewhat nutritionally balanced. The only exception is a casserole whose main ingredient is eggplant. I think any dish prepared with eggplant is likely to cause a slow, miserable death.

Dear Old Advice Person—My father, who had been single for several years, has recently remarried. He married an attractive young woman named Bambi who used to be a topless dancer at our local bar and pool hall. Although Bambi is several years younger than I, she is still my stepmother and I want to call her “mom.” When I call her “mom” she gets violent and uses language that she must have learned in the bar. Do you think she is rejecting me as a stepson? Do you think I should back off and call her what we all used to call her in the bar? Wondering in Wewahitchka

Dear Wondering
It is possible, even likely, she is rejecting you as a stepson and perhaps rejecting you as a person thereby getting rid of inheritance competition. By the way, since your step mom has a name like Bambi, just what else did you call her in the bar?

Dear Old Advice Person—My husband, who is approaching his 75th birthday, is a very amorous person. He wants to have, you know, “marital relations” 3 or 4 times a week. He has recently been looking up information about Viagra on his computer. He said he believes that with Viagra he could “perform” 7 days a week. Do you think that under the circumstances Viagra is a good investment? Concerned in Crockett

Dear Concerned
If you feel you don’t need a “day off,” and if you can afford it, Viagra might be a very good investment. I would also suggest that you contact The Guinness Book of World Records for possible inclusion in the next edition.

Dear Old Advice Person—I live in a retirement complex with about 100 other people. About 80 of these people are girls ranging in age from 62 to 88. I have been “seeing” Simone for about 6 months. Jennifer recently moved in and we struck up a relationship (wink) if you know what I mean. Simone lives on the 3rd floor and Jennifer and I live on the second floor. Simone rarely comes to the 2nd floor because she is afraid she will get her walker caught in the elevator. I see Simone on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I usually see Jennifer on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Do you think it is OK to keep seeing both of these girls since they live on different floors? There is also a 4th floor and I’m thinking about going up there sometime. What do you think? Loving in Lakeland

Dear Loving
Stay off the 4th floor. The Lord decreed that there should be a day of rest. Sunday, in your case, should definitely be a day of rest. Also, here in the 21st century, many women object to being called girls. By the way, do you have a brother or any other Family in Crockett?

Dear Old Advice Person—Every spring we have a shuffleboard tournament in our retirement village. My wife Angie, 62, is usually my partner and we always lose. She is not very well coordinated. I don’t want to be known as a loser so I would like to have another partner for this year’s tournament. How do I tell my wife without making her feel rejected? The Shuffleboard King in Bradenton

Dear King
Do you know that you are the first person in today’s column to ask a question that is not in some way related to sex? Do you older people think of nothing else? As for telling your wife that you want another partner for the shuffleboard tournament, honesty is the best policy. However, in this case, you should resort to a second best policy, which is lying. Tell her that you read in the New England Journal of Medicine that a recent study found that exposure to the sun coupled with the particular movements required to play in a shuffleboard tournament can cause a severe case of osteoporosis in 62 year old women. Express great love and concern and insist she not play such a dangerous game.

If you have a question for the Old Advice Person, just email me and your problem will be solved.