About Us Contact Us


The Joys of Bachelorhood

It finally happened last Thursday. Wife Lynn left me. Unfortunately, it’s only a temporary thing. She will be back Sunday.

Yesterday, Friday, I looked forward to a day of bachelorhood involving working out at the health club, spending quality time with Ralph (the parrot), Sam and Sally (the German Shepard dogs), Dooley (the cat), and Abercrombie and Curley (the geese) and enjoying a fine dinner with my good friends Jack and Bettie.

The day went pretty much as planned right through dinner. We had a t-bone steak grilled to perfection, salad, baked potato, accompanied by a fine red wine. Dessert was a delicious banana pudding. It was a truly fine meal.

After dinner Jack and I smoked a truly fine cigar and reminisced about our growing up years—Jack’s in Texas and mine in Ohio. We had similar experiences although separated by 800 miles.

I got home in time to take care of the animals’ nightly routine—put Dooley outside to do whatever cats do when the sun goes down, and play with Ralph so he would not go to bed feeling neglected. Lynn usually puts Ralph to bed. He hates going to bed. He has lived with us for 6 years and he has hated going to bed every single night. Last night was no exception. To express his displeasure, he bit me. Parrots can bite really hard. I should point out that Ralph tries to bite me every night that I put him to bed. I know this and usually avoid it. Last night I missed. It surprised Ralph as much as it surprised me. I used a four letter scatological term that we have tried, without success, to keep Ralph from learning. He immediately used the same bad word with considerable enthusiasm. He had used the word before. He learned it from Lynn.

After I put Ralph to bed, I let Sam out of his pen in the kitchen/dining area. He was so glad to see me that he made a little puddle of happiness right there on the floor. I hate it when he does that so I yelled at him whereupon he made a puddle of fear. I yelled pretty loud. I know better; I just forgot. I put Sam outside to take care of personal business, his, not mine, and I mopped up the puddles. Lynn usually mops up puddles.

In the meantime, Dooley finished his nightly foray and came back into the house and went to sleep in my bed on Lynn’s side. The dogs and I went to the den to read for a while before retiring. The dogs don’t actually read—they just think up things to do to keep me from enjoying my book. I finally gave it up and went to bed or tried to. I discovered that Sally had decided while I was out to dinner that she should keep my side of the bed warm, so had snuggled down under the covers and gone to sleep. We have had a lot of rain. Sally had accumulated a great deal of sand in her long German shepherd fur that she managed to deposit in my sleeping spot. I abraded several square inches of skin sliding into the sandy bed. I got out carefully and went to Lynn’s side and argued with the cat about who was going to sleep there. I won, sort of. The cat left the room in a huff.

I mentioned before that I didn’t know exactly what cats did outside after the sun goes down. Dooley explained it to me. He said, “We eat small mammals and lizards. Let me show you.” He then proceeded to hack up a number of small body parts from animals that he had enjoyed earlier. I really don’t do well cleaning up this kind of mess. I gag a lot. I believe that’s why God made mommies. However, mommy wasn’t here. I cleaned up the mess, but I didn’t like it. Lynn usually cleans up this kind of mess.

I finally got settled into bed and actually got a good night’s sleep, until about 3:30 in the morning. Sally woke me up. She was making a funny noise—it sounded like she was choking. She wasn’t. She was throwing up. You think I’m making this up, but I’m not. Sally threw up in 5 different places in the house—3 downstairs and 2 upstairs. I’m no better cleaning up after the dog than I am the cat. Lynn usually cleans up after the dogs.

By now I’m missing Lynn a lot. Even though she abuses me when she is home and makes me go places I don’t want to go, like Germany and Austria and sometime Cut and Shoot, Texas. If I can make it through one more day experiencing the joys of bachelorhood, I’ll probably be ready for Lynn’s return. I think I’ll be real nice to her for a while.