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Advice to the over 60 folks

The advice column for those over 60, a group that is generally neglected by other advice columnists, continues to be a popular feature. Since the last column appeared, I have been inundated with letters (5 or 6 of them) from the more mature advice seekers. I will continue to respond to the needs of this oft-neglected group.

Dear Old Advice Person—I have a lovely granddaughter, age 20, who is intelligent, attractive, and a junior at a well-known university. However, I have a major problem with how she dresses when she goes out for the evening. She wears blouses that are too short to be tucked into her skirt, so her navel shows. The blouses are also transparent, so her underwear shows. Her skirts are so short that almost everything else shows too. When I speak to her about this she always says, “Grandma, in this day and age you’ve got to advertise.” Just what is she advertising and is it something I should be advertising as well? --Worried Grandma in Glouster

Dear Worried—Although you did not mention accessories, she is probably wearing a university pin and thus advertising her well-known university. If you wish to advertise, you should wear your AARP lapel pin at every opportunity.

Dear Old Advice Person—I’m 68 years old and single. I frequently date younger women and they seem to enjoy my company. Although I usually don’t tell them how old I am, I do mention how rich I am. I recently learned that if I join AARP I can get major discounts on motel rooms and rental cars. Do you think it would somehow break the spell if, when I’m checking into a motel, I present my AARP card for the discount? --Wondering in Wetumpka

Dear Wondering—If you have already mentioned how rich you are, the AARP card probably would make no difference at all. By the way, did you learn about AARP from seeing someone wearing an AARP lapel pin?

Dear Old Advice Person—I have passed my eightieth birthday but am still pretty spry for my age. However, I don’t see as well as I used to. When I am driving, I can see big things like trucks and elephants even though they are a bit fuzzy, but I have a very hard time seeing smaller things. In my state we can renew our driver’s license without passing an eye test. Do you think I should mention my vision problem to the department of motor vehicles or should I just be very careful when I’m driving? --A Bit Blind in Bastrop

Dear Bit Blind—You didn’t say how often you see fuzzy elephants nor did you say what color they are. If they are any shade of pink or even blue, you should turn in your driving license and stay off the streets. If the elephants are typically gray, and if you can tell the difference between the elephants and a Winnebago, you should move to Pasco County Florida, where you will immediately become a majority driver.

Dear Old Advice Guy—I am a male senior citizen who really enjoys dancing and I’m pretty good at it. I live in a retirement community that sponsors a dance every Friday night. In our community females outnumber males by about 4 to 1 and female dancers outnumber male dancers about 10 to 1. That means I feel obligated to dance with as many of these ladies as possible so they won’t have to just sit around. So I dance every dance with a different woman and am so exhausted by the end of the evening that I have to spend the rest of the weekend recovering. Do you think I’m jeopardizing my health with this kind of activity? If so, what should I do about it? --Can’t stop Dancing

Dear Can’t Stop—If you’re doing things like The Shag, The Jerk, The Twist, and The Triple Lindy, you are probably putting undue strain on your heart. If you are mostly doing the Foxtrot and the Waltz you might be OK. However, as a health precaution you should see if your insurance company would pay for dance lessons for the other men in your retirement community.

Dear Old Advice Person—I’ll admit it. I’m a senior citizen who likes to go to singles bars to seek companionship for the evening. Mostly I strike out and go home alone. I’ve tried every kind of pick-up technique I can think of. Lately I’ve been trying the old “ let me tell you about my operation” line. I had several kidney stones removed about two months ago. I keep them in a small plastic container that I can produce at a moment’s notice. But every time I say, “Hey, you wantta see my kidney stones,” I get a very cold shoulder. Last night I tried that line and the woman barfed on me. Do you have any suggestions? --Clean Kidneys in Canada

Dear Clean Kidneys—Your presentation may be the problem. Kidney stones presented in plastic just aren’t very sexy. If you have a chance to go to Vienna, Austria, you should go the see the largest kidney and gall stone collection in the world. You would surely get some good ideas for ways to improve the presentation of your stones.

There was one more letter from a guy with a hearing problem, but we are out of space, so it will have to wait until another time. I said, “IT WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL ANOTHER TIME.”