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The Candidates: Part 3

For the last 2 weeks I have presented profiles of presidential democratic candidates and, particularly, talked to the newest presidential candidate on the block Quella Udel Alford Craincross Krackenknocker about his views on issues of interest to the voters. Mr. Krackenknocker has an interesting multiethnic background and also had a sex change operation 6 years ago. I’m going to try to finish my interview with Mr. Krackenknocker before the actual election—now only 568 days away.

D.R.—“Hello, Mr. Krackenknocker. This is Don Ramon calling to finish our interview about your presidential race.”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“Hello, Don. So far we have discussed the major thrust of my campaign—NO MORE TAXES. I also told you last week that our current education policy is hogwash. What else do you want to know?”

D.R.—“Tell us your position on health care.”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“Well, Don, I have some very strong opinions about health care for both men and women. First, when I was a woman, all my friends complained about mammograms. Although my own mammos were too small to be grammed, I could feel their pain. I intend to outlaw mammograms. They will be replaced by a kinder, gentler test to be named later.“Since I have been a man, I have learned about the dreaded rubber glove prostate exam. Owww. I don’t like it. It too will be outlawed. I think the only reason doctors do the exam anyway is to annoy people they don’t like. So no more mammograms and no more prostate exams and NO MORE TAXES. I just had to work that in. It keeps me on message, you know.”

D.R.—“I see. What about crime?”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“I’m against crime. I think we should do away with it just like we will do away with taxes.”
D.R.—“Do you believe in gun control?”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“Yes I certainly do. I think everyone should own at least one gun and should keep it under control. Except the bad guys, of course. They shouldn’t have guns. If all the good guys had guns and none of the bad guys did, a lot of crime would go away.
D.R.—“How do you feel about the death penalty?”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“I am a strong supporter of the death penalty for people who talk on cell phones while driving. These people are crazy. They run stop signs and red lights and run into people on the interstate. They must be stopped. Of course, applying the death penalty for the first offense would be extreme. For the first offense they should be flayed. For all subsequent offenses, the death penalty should be applied.”
D.R.—“What about abortion?”
Q.U.A.C.K.—“I think that it is OK in some cases. For instance, if a woman is impregnated by a lawyer or a politician, an abortion should be allowed. Also, amateurs should not perform abortions. And to all of you in the pro-life group, I want you to know I’m definitely against abortion, so you could feel comfortable voting for me. I feel the same way about abortion as president Bush, The Younger.”
D.R.—“That’s all the time we have, Mr. Krackenknocker. Thanks for talking with me and good luck in your quest for the nomination.”

Mr. Krackenknocker is not the only interesting candidate in the race. Please meet Mr. Warren Ashe from Newport News, Virginia. According to the profile he completed for Project Vote Smart, (www.vote-smart.org) Mr. Ashe was born January 20, 1957. From 1969 to 1971 he was a cook and an F-14 pilot in the United States Navy. This would mean he started his tour of duty when he was 12 years old. He also attended the United States Air Force Cadet School in 1971 and 72, when he was 14 years old.

He was a pilot and machine gunner, United States Army 1972-1976, beginning when he was 15 years old. So by the time he was 15 years old he had served as a pilot in the Army AND the Navy and was already an Air Force veteran. That may be the greatest example of precociousness in the history of the world. To round out his military experience, he served in the US Air force as a Suborbital Lab IMS, 1979-1981.

He was an Earth Ground Computer Specialist, United States Army National Guard, from 1982 to 1985 during which time he completed a doctorate at North Carolina State University in 1984.

Mr. Ashe has more political experience than many candidates. According to his profile, he was president of the United Nations, 1973-2003. He was also appointed President of the United States White House, 1981-2003. He served as Vice President, West Wing, in the Carter Administration, 1977-1981, and also in The Ford Administration, 1973-1977. I’m not sure what responsibilities those jobs entail, but I’m sure from their titles they are significant.

I continue to be amazed that so many highly qualified people are being attracted to the political arena. It is obvious to me that our country is strong and is producing able men and women who as president will lead us further into the 21st century. I feel our future is in good hands and the Supreme Court will have no trouble selecting our next president.