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Search the Internet for Fun and Profit

When I turn on my computer a page appears that lists the top 25 search words people use to look for stuff on the Internet. You know what the number one word is? That’s right—Dating. Apparently everyone wants to know about dating. Not wanting to be left out in the cold, I clicked on the word and found out about dating. Well, I probably didn’t find out all about dating because I looked at only the first 100 websites. All of these claimed to be new and free. I joined one, posted a profile, and am waiting to be overwhelmed by beautiful women begging for a date, “friendship first, perhaps more later.” A perk of membership is that I’m allowed to look at the profiles and sometimes photographs of women who live in the Houston/Huntsville area. I scanned 200 thumbnail sketches and looked at the complete profiles of quite a few. Only 2 claimed to be from Huntsville. They had interesting profiles but they didn’t post pictures.

Having carefully examined 200 thumbnails and about 50 profiles, I am convinced that the experienced profilers use a code that is not immediately understood by the uninitiated. I feel like I am now in a position to understand the code and offer advice on the use of the profiles. Therefore I have provided you with a sample profile with an appropriate translation in parentheses.

Hi. I’m 26 (neck size) and have never been married (I’m married). I’m comparatively good looking (when compared to an aardvark) and like to read (if someone helps me with the hard words). I wouldn’t say I’m rich but I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. (I’m in prison.) I’ve been in banking and securities. (I robbed banks and now am in maximum security.) I enjoy long walks (cellblock to the recreation area) and am interested in a serious relationship (I lust after other offenders and some guards; I would like to seriously lust after you).

Unfortunately the on-line profiles do not come with their own translation. You have to do your own. If you run into one that you wonder about, email it to me and I’ll provide a translation service for a small but well hidden fee. This is just like the “free” dating service. It’s free as long as you don’t contact anyone. Contacting a potential date costs money. Not contacting a date is free; it’s also not much of a date.

I also found a number of very specific dating services, such as the Central Florida Dating Service. Wife Lynn and I owned a duplex in central Florida a few years ago and had a chance to observe the other central Florida residents, many of whom were seriously old. Dating in that part of the world provides new challenges. For instance, do you stick with the standard prune juice appetizer or dare you risk something a bit fancier? Also most romantic candle light dinners start around 3:30 in the afternoon and involve discount coupons.

Another specific service website at www.adultfriendfinder.com claims to have 10,000,000 members and 18,000 more are joining each day. These are very spectacular numbers. They quote a different set of numbers on the website itself, but still impressive.



You didn’t heed my warning, did you? How will you read the rest of this column without your eyesight?

If you are concerned that only a lower class of people would use an online dating service—worry no more. There is an Executive Singles Dating-Upscale Service. The ad touts this site as “An upscale matchmaking service featuring old-fashioned personalized human selection. No more untruths and surprises.” I believe but I’m not sure that ex-Enron executives are in charge of this program and they are truly committed to “No more untruths and surprises.”

At the bottom of the first page of dating services is an ad for Human Euphoria, with which you can “attract the opposite sex with real human pheromones.” What are pheromones, you might ask? Well, “pheromones are naturally occurring chemicals found in animals and humans which elicit sexual behaviors and are used to attract the opposite sex.” The ad also tells us “pheromones are detected by the Vomeronasal Organ or VNO. The VNO is located in the nasal pit under the nose. When the VNO receives a pheromone signal it sends a message to the brain that stimulates the body and creates a subconscious increase in sexual desire.” I wonder why they would include such an ad in a listing of dating services? Perhaps the answer could be found on their website at www.activeallure.com.

Although “dating” is the number one search word on the list, other search words in the top 10 merit some mention because they may be related to dating. The particularly prominent words are “Gifts”—which can be given on the first date, such as Live Maine Lobsters. “Viagra”—great prices and free delivery. “Diet”—increase energy and lose weight. “Lingerie”—buy used thongs and teddies on ebay.

Unfortunately we are out of space, so you will have to wait until next week to learn about these exciting searches.