Search the Internet for Fun and Profit
When I turn on my computer a page appears that lists the top 25 search
words people use to look for stuff on the Internet. You know what the
number one word is? That’s right—Dating. Apparently everyone
wants to know about dating. Not wanting to be left out in the cold, I
clicked on the word and found out about dating. Well, I probably didn’t
find out all about dating because I looked at only the first 100 websites.
All of these claimed to be new and free. I joined one, posted a profile,
and am waiting to be overwhelmed by beautiful women begging for a date,
“friendship first, perhaps more later.” A perk of membership
is that I’m allowed to look at the profiles and sometimes photographs
of women who live in the Houston/Huntsville area. I scanned 200 thumbnail
sketches and looked at the complete profiles of quite a few. Only 2 claimed
to be from Huntsville. They had interesting profiles but they didn’t
Having carefully examined 200 thumbnails and about 50 profiles, I am
convinced that the experienced profilers use a code that is not immediately
understood by the uninitiated. I feel like I am now in a position to understand
the code and offer advice on the use of the profiles. Therefore I have
provided you with a sample profile with an appropriate translation in
Hi. I’m 26 (neck size) and have never been married (I’m
married). I’m comparatively good looking (when compared
to an aardvark) and like to read (if someone helps me
with the hard words). I wouldn’t say I’m rich but I don’t
have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. (I’m
in prison.) I’ve been in banking and securities. (I robbed
banks and now am in maximum security.) I enjoy long walks (cellblock
to the recreation area) and am interested in a serious relationship
(I lust after other offenders and some guards; I would like
to seriously lust after you).
Unfortunately the on-line profiles do not come with their own translation.
You have to do your own. If you run into one that you wonder about, email
it to me and I’ll provide a translation service for a small but
well hidden fee. This is just like the “free” dating service.
It’s free as long as you don’t contact anyone. Contacting
a potential date costs money. Not contacting a date is free; it’s
also not much of a date.
I also found a number of very specific dating services, such as the Central
Florida Dating Service. Wife Lynn and I owned a duplex in central Florida
a few years ago and had a chance to observe the other central Florida
residents, many of whom were seriously old. Dating in that part of the
world provides new challenges. For instance, do you stick with the standard
prune juice appetizer or dare you risk something a bit fancier? Also most
romantic candle light dinners start around 3:30 in the afternoon and involve
Another specific service website at www.adultfriendfinder.com claims
to have 10,000,000 members and 18,000 more are joining each day. These
are very spectacular numbers. They quote a different set of numbers on
the website itself, but still impressive.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ACCESS THIS WEBSITE. IF YOU ACCIDENTLY
FIND YOURSELF AT THIS WEBSITE, DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURES OR READ THE
TEXT. THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE YOU WILL GO BLIND.
You didn’t heed my warning, did you? How will you read the rest
of this column without your eyesight?
If you are concerned that only a lower class of people would use an online
dating service—worry no more. There is an Executive Singles Dating-Upscale
Service. The ad touts this site as “An upscale matchmaking service
featuring old-fashioned personalized human selection. No more untruths
and surprises.” I believe but I’m not sure that ex-Enron executives
are in charge of this program and they are truly committed to “No
more untruths and surprises.”
At the bottom of the first page of dating services is an ad for Human
Euphoria, with which you can “attract the opposite sex with real
human pheromones.” What are pheromones, you might ask? Well, “pheromones
are naturally occurring chemicals found in animals and humans which elicit
sexual behaviors and are used to attract the opposite sex.” The
ad also tells us “pheromones are detected by the Vomeronasal Organ
or VNO. The VNO is located in the nasal pit under the nose. When the VNO
receives a pheromone signal it sends a message to the brain that stimulates
the body and creates a subconscious increase in sexual desire.”
I wonder why they would include such an ad in a listing of dating services?
Perhaps the answer could be found on their website at www.activeallure.com.
Although “dating” is the number one search word on the list,
other search words in the top 10 merit some mention because they may be
related to dating. The particularly prominent words are “Gifts”—which
can be given on the first date, such as Live Maine Lobsters. “Viagra”—great
prices and free delivery. “Diet”—increase energy and
lose weight. “Lingerie”—buy used thongs and teddies
Unfortunately we are out of space, so you will have to wait until next
week to learn about these exciting searches.