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Search the Internet: Part 2

Last week I got really interested in some of the top search words our fellow citizens use to look for stuff on the Internet. The number one search word was and is “dating.” You may recall that I joined a dating service and am eagerly awaiting an outpouring of responses. Considering how much I embellished my profile, I felt sure I would be overwhelmed with responses by now. I’m beginning to feel a bit rejected. Would one of you kind souls take pity on me and send me an encouraging message? It’s OK to lie about your vital statistics. Everyone does. Thanks.

Today we are going to look at other popular search words. The number two-search word is “gifts.” This is obviously related to dating because it is always good form to take a gift on your first date. I clicked on the word “gifts” and read the first 100 responses. I was amazed at the number of things that one could buy for a truly unique first date gift. How about a “Phony Pony Horse Tire Swing?” There is a picture of an old tire with a phony horse head attached, hanging from a tree limb. The caption reads, “First kiss memories will not outlast your Phony Pony memories.” Try to imagine the look of surprise and adoration on your date’s face if you showed up at her door with a “Phony Pony” under your arm.

I also found out that you can order a variety of “Brewery Related Gifts.” Just the thought of taking your date gifts in celebration of beer causes chills to traverse the spine. There was a site, hubcaps.com, where factory original hubcaps could be ordered. What a great gift idea. I have been lusting after a BMW Z-3 or Z-4. Perhaps I could start with the hubcaps and order more gift parts from the Internet until I had the complete car. Sounds like a plan.

How about a $99 Unique Gift Idea—“A professional teeth whitening system and gel for whiter teeth and a great smile.” Would this be at all similar to taking your date a nice bar of popular deodorant soap for a first date gift? A somewhat related gift is a showerhead from Australia. Is that a subtle hint or what?

Another unique gift is an engraved rock. You could either send your own rock to be engraved or the company will happily supply one with your custom engraved message.

Candy has long been popular but is somewhat mundane, so try “Gourmet Beef Jerky.” You and your date could munch on a chunk of smoky garlicky gourmet beef jerky while you waited for the bus to take you to the picture show.

The number 10 search word is lingerie, which could be considered a highly specialized category of “gift.” The very first entry in the “lingerie” search is 4999 lingerie items listed on ebay.com. The first two items listed on the ebay site were, “Lingerie Lycra Tie On The Side Thong*Black*”--bid $1.00 and “Lingerie Lycra Tie On The Side Thong *Red*—bid $.01. Folks, these are previously worn thongs! Remember when your mother would tell you, “Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been?” Well, you KNOW where that thong has been. I didn’t order one, but at 1 cent or even 1 dollar, it’s hard to beat the price. There were 4997 additional items of used underwear. This is really a unique shopping site.

The number 4 search word is “Viagra.” I looked up the first 100 website ads and was surprised and shocked by what I discovered. I discovered that if you look up any of these websites, that website will tell hundreds of similar websites that you are interested in an “enhanced life” and all these websites will send you stuff without your even asking. Each morning when I check my email I have 40 or 50 ads for Viagra and an amazing variety of similar life enhancing products. Like the one that says, “You will no longer have to hang your head when someone says, What’s up.”

I also found that there is considerable variability in pricing and composition of “Viagra.” There is even an “Herbal Viagra.” It guarantees “Improved performance with Virility Mix.” There are many testimonials about the effectiveness of this Herbal Cocktail. Another important feature is the speed with which the various companies can get the Viagra to you. Many say, “Call us before 6PM and you will get your Viagra the next in a plain brown wrapper.” Even that seems a bit slow. Some moods don’t last forever or even overnight.

The number 6 search word is “Diet.” The most promising website was www.bodyweightloss.com. Here I found out that you can lose 5 pounds in 1 day, 10 pounds in 2 days, or 27 pounds in one week. All you do is pay $29.95 for a manual, and follow the instructions. Results are guaranteed. In addition to weight loss you “will reduce the risk of colon cancer, stroke, heart attack, diabetes, heart decrease…” That’s what it says. I don’t know for sure what “heart decrease” is but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it. Other benefits include “think more clearly and make better decisions (like your decision to spend $29.95 on the manual), live a stress free life, become happier and feel good, increase energy and endurance, improve sexual performance and restore libido, improve vision and hearing, live longer, restore youthful skin…”.

Clients include Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, Mariah Carey, Keanu Reeves, Madonna, and many others. Could such a stellar cast be wrong? One person lost 122 pounds in a year. If I could do that I would be back down to 48 pounds or what I weighed when I was 9 years old.

You should check out this website. The benefits are incredible. I’m sure many physicians will try to do away with this website because it could put then out of business. Why would you need a physician if you can get all these health benefits just from reading the manual?

So fire up your computer, get on the Internet and find out what you have been missing in life.