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I’m Running for Governor of California

Last month wife Lynn and I spent most of a week in California. We had a grand time, about which I already told you in an earlier column. One thing I did not mention, because I did not know it at the time was: I’m running for governor of California. I actually hadn’t planned to; it just happened. I thought I was filling out a survey on surfing in Huntington Beach and the next thing I know, I’m running for governor.

I had always thought running for governor would be a complicated matter. I think in most states it is—but not in California. Anybody can do it. You don’t have to have any money, or be very smart, or even speak unaccented English. My opponents include tall, muscular people, short pudgy people, and people of almost every ethnic persuasion. Some are not very smart and others are downright dull witted. They say dumb things and get quoted in the media.

Since I’m already on the ballot, I decided to develop a campaign strategy and a platform. My campaign strategy is very simple—I’ll make no speeches, appear on no talk shows, offer no unkind opinions about my opponents other than that they are a bunch of California crackpots with delusions of grandeur.

My own platform will include a number of planks that I will not publicize except through this column. I have found that making your opinions public is likely to cause the media to laugh and heap scorn on you. Look at the current reporting on candidate Terminator.

Plank # 1. I plan to move from Texas to Toccoa, Georgia. My feeling is the further away from California you are, the less likely you are to be classified as just another California nut. I think governing California from Georgia would be somewhat less trying than governing from Sacramento. Governor Grey Davis told me he felt the same way. Grey is a peculiar name for a governor, not black, not white, just a bland blob of protoplasm with few defining characteristics. Actually, practically perfect for politics.

Plank # 2. Education is a good thing. You can’t have too much education. California used to have a top-notch educational system. That was before Proposition 12 or 13 or something, which gutted the ad valorum tax structure. Since then, the California educational system has gone down the tubes. I will advocate a complete abolition of state supported education in California. All children will be home schooled. This will save a huge amount of public money. You might wonder if all parents are qualified to do school at home. Hey, this is California. It doesn’t matter because the children will grow up to be surfer dudes or actors with very white teeth and great tans anyway. With this single change California could pay the electric bill and balance the budget.

Plank # 3. Gun control. I am a firm believer in gun control. I own several guns and carefully control all of them. If elected governor of California I would insist that all people control their guns. Also I wouldn’t let criminals or just general bad guys have guns at all. This would apply to many Republicans.

Plank # 4. Groping. I am not a groper and do not think we should elect a groper to be governor of California. I notice that one of my competitors has done some serious groping. He has groped interns, although that appears to be popular at even the highest levels of politics, a radio psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne, and many others. Many of the gropees objected to being groped, while others have volunteered to be groped. One woman is quoted as shouting, “He can grope me.”

Schwarzenegger’s wife, Maria Shriver, who comes from a very prominent Democratic family, (Read Kennedy) has defended his actions. Says Shriver, “He doesn’t grope just everybody. He didn’t even grope me until 30 or 40 minutes after we first met. He mostly gropes Democratic women, which is why they’re telling on him now. The Democrats are just trying to get him in trouble. He has large strong hands and is a very good groper.”

Finally, I have a bone to pick with some of the media coverage of these events. This morning, Saturday October 4, 2003, the Houston Chronicle carried this headline, “Charges against actor mount.” I don’t think the paper should use “actor mount” in the same sentence.

Well, there you have it. A vote for me is a vote against groping. It is possible that you must be a citizen of California to vote in this election, but I’m not sure. California has some pretty funny rules. (See earlier columns on California.) Vote no matter where you are. Just send your vote on a postcard addressed to “Recall Election, Sacramento California.” The zip code doesn’t matter. Even postal workers know where it is.